I am not a trained expert when it comes to depression. However, I do consider myself an “expert” at being depressed, because I experienced the effects of depression for a large part of my life. I totally collapsed in the summer of 1999.
Looking back at my younger days, I’m sure I suffered from dysthymia, a mild form of depression. My life was totally out of balance.
It’s Cerebral Palsy
For the longest time, I thought I had cerebral palsy. When I was at my lowest point, I asked my mother about that. She told me there had been accident which damaged my brain when I was being delivered. She and my father didn’t realize there was anything different about me until I was about six months old.
I believe my negative thought process started when I realized I was different from the other kids in school. At an early age, I wore a brace on my left leg. My left foot turns in when I walk, so I guess the thought was to see if it could be strengthened by wearing the brace. Well, the brace didn’t work, for whatever reason. I still have the issue today.
I favored my left arm, so I didn’t let it swing naturally like my right arm. I kind of held it up some.
Last Man Standing
As I got older, these thing started to affect me socially. During Phys Ed, I was one of the last kids chosen for whatever sport we were playing at the time. I love sports, and I really wanted to be a part of a team, even in Phys Ed. My lack of co-ordination really held me back. I must say, though, I did have a pretty good shot in basketball.
Bullying
There was teasing. I still remember the kid in junior high or high school who would mock me. Whenever he would see me in the hall, he would cock his left arm and start limping. It got to the point where I would avoid him if I saw him before he saw me.
It’s interesting, I didn’t tell anyone about the teasing. I don’t know why; maybe I thought it would make me look weak if I admitted I needed help.
I also noticed that people would give me the old “You’re Different” look when they passed me. The eyes would check me out, then go back to looking ahead. Now, I realize I carried my body in such a fashion that it attracted those looks. That behavior went on way into my adult years.
Well-planned Lies
I think I still carry some of those “You’re Different” feelings today, because at 55 years old, I have never been married, and have had only one serious girlfriend. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I just want you to understand how I let circumstances and experiences control my life.