Depression in Men Over 50
It is unusual for me to feel depressed but for much of yesterday that was my experience. Symptoms included irritability, tiredness and a feeling of a kind of nothingness. When a friend asked me how I felt I said, “I feel hormonal.” I realise that this experience is part of the process that I am going through for a man of my age. It is called the andropause of male menopause. Jed Diamond writing in “Surviving Male Menopause – A guide for Women and Men,” writes,
In many ways, the male menopause passage is a “dark night of the soul.” It is a time to do down and feel our emotions, to feel the pain from the past, and to deal with unfinished business so it can be healed. It can also be a time of rebirth, a time of letting go of old dramas so that we can feel the love that awaits us into he second half of life.
I feel withdrawn and I project my feeling of being withdrawn unto my partner. I do what depressed men do. They project their depression outward and seek to find someone to blame. In many ways I am not the man I was and it frightens me. I used to be affectionate but now I am not. Many who read this blog will know how I pay attention to lines from songs. The song lines I hear and pay attention too are frightening me as well. I hear them and I know they are talking to me and I hope that they will go away but they don’t The song that I hear now is one I haven’t heard in decades. I hear it in cafes and I hear it in shops. It is a song written by Neill Diamond. This song has the following lines in it.
You don’t bring me flowers You don’t sing me love songs You hardly talk to me anymore When you come through the door At the end of the day
This is what it feels like on some days and I want to run away from it all. All of this is a kind of internal combustion that in many men becomes a silent killer. They turn to some form of addiction or to another relationship in order to avoid feeling the pain and thus avoid crossing the threshold into the second half of life.
Yet I know the process. It usually, if not inevitably, involves the experience getting more intense instead of lessening. One does go into a dark night or into a dark forest. In relation to male menopause there isn’t much light available. It is for this reason I share this kind of non-event through this writing. If I can assist men, and thereby assist their partners, to recognise the process then in some way I am shedding some light into the darkness. I have no idea what such sharing will mean. I fear ridicule. I fear that no one will ever return to reading what I write because of what they will think of me. Yet I will continue to write about this personal dark night of the soul because I can and because it is what I want to bring light and healing too. This healing is not only for myself but for others who are not as able to share their experience.
I lived in a family where the word depression was taboo. I live in a culture where the word depression is taboo. My mother lived much of her life feeling depressed and feeling guilty about feeling depressed. She had every reason to feel that way but would not share it. It made getting close to her almost impossible. I learned to get close to her by becoming sick and manipulating her in some way. As a child I had what where thought to be heart problems. I never did have physical heart problems but the symptoms all pointed that way.
It is my intention to make the experience of depression and its association with the male cycle called andropause not the taboo subject it is. I have huge resistance against doing this but this is no reason not to do it. Even when writing about this subject I want not too. I want to write about all the beauty, the power and the grace available beyond the experience of duality. Yet I see so many spiritual seekers who talk about, and aspire too, the attainment of personal salvation and transcendence who are emotionally depressed to a large extent. What they want to do as many spiritual seekers wish to do is avoid painful feelings.
Male menopause can drive a huge wedge between a couple who have been happily married for many years. The man is literally taken into the dark and changed by a process that he will resist and that in many instances can destroy him. Women who witness this process say they want the man back who they once knew. They don’t want the monster that he has become. If it does not destroy him it will in many instances destroy the relationship. At this point I can see how easily that could happen in my own life. I am to some extent more fortunate. I have not let the issue drag on and drag on although it has dragged on. I have asked for help from someone outside the relationship trained in such matters.
It has got worse since that time I began talking to the councillor. Yet I know from experience that you very often take two steps forward and one step back. People sometimes feel that they are taking more steps backward because the process opens up more painful experiences. This is not necessarily a step backward although it feels that way. Sometimes you go deeper into the darkness before you get insight into the coming dawn. I have of yesterday taken one step back.
In the past I would have had another drink and then another couple of drinks which would have lead to some more drinking. This way of avoidance is in the past. Today I will take an extended walk to a holy well and circumnavigate it. Exercise is one key way of alleviating the symptoms experienced with male menopause and the experience of depression. I will try, as best as I am able, not to be rejecting. This isolates me and makes my partner defensive. Simple expressions of kindness help. Patience helps tremendously for both parties but is not an excuse for continued denial or avoidance of the real issue.
I will look at what is positive. While I might be in a dark wood my dream life is more than alive. It seems to be a preview of coming attractions. I had for a long time stopped remembering my dreams. I think that this was a response to the denial that I was going through at the time. Now I am through (I hope) this phase of denial the dreams have returned. This is polarity. What is avoided in the conscious mind plays havoc in the unconscious. Now that denial has opened up other options the unconscious has again become alive. I am able to do this because the length of time I have spent in honouring my dreams as a spiritual practice.
The 10th September, 2011 was World Depression Awareness Day. It was a day in which we where invited to try and make depression an experience we refuse to deny. It is in our interest not to continue to deny it because it is one of the highest growing medical issues in the Western world. One day won’t do it. Awareness of the symptoms and how they differ in women and men and the process involved will help. It is in educating an awareness of how the process begins and how it can develop is a beginning to the end, not of depression, but of the cycle what can become chronic depression.
The first step, and I think it is a big first step, is to be courageous enough to admit the feeling of shame that hides the underlying depression and which allows it to begin to become chronic and more difficult to shift. In sharing this experience of depression that is a symptom of male menopause it is my hope that many men and their partners do not have to experience deeper suffering and deeper dark nights where it appears there is little or no light at the end of the dark forest. It is my hope that they can avoid the experience at the end of the song “You don’t bring me Flowers Anymore,”
And baby, I remember All the things you taught me I learned how to laugh And I learned how to cry Well I learned how to love Even learned how to lie You’d think I could learn How to tell you goodbye ‘Cause you don’t bring me flowers anymore.
Postpartum Depression In Fathers
Any mother can picture the first moment they bring their newborn into the world and the breathtaking experience of taking the newborn home along with all the changes and responsibilities of becoming a new mother. Based on a variety of reports, postpartum depression affects new mothers up to 70% to 80% about the first week of giving birth and in a good number of cases quickly passes away. There are nearly 13% of moms who do suffer from clinical level postpartum depression, which lasts for longer periods of time. The reality is that this is a normal condition for countless women resulting from fast hormonal fluctuations and changes parenthood produces, but did you realize that postpartum depression can also happen in males? If this is the situation, how many males can pick up this disease?
While there have been a lot of explorations on the condition in women, postpartum depression affecting males is a factual incident and more frequent than everyone would have ever known. Based on a number of articles, postpartum depression in males ranges from 10% up to more or less 25%, which makes it clearly as bad if not worse than in women.
Because postpartum depression in males is a disease which has received little interest, there are fewer places males can truly turn to for assistance. Another known fact is if males do feel signals of postpartum depression, they are also less prone to talk about their disease as voluntarily as women would and more often less disposed to inquire about professional help. The most possible rationale this is the basis is because males would feel at a disadvantage when they present their weakness and may be embarassed of the disease, resulting in not treating the disease and allowing it to grow worse.
Causes
A range of studies done since 1980 through 2009 yielded some fascinating results showing that about a quarter of the males examined developed depression within three to six months. Surprisingly, several of the sufferers were first-time fathers. It has been hypothesized that the rationale most first-time fathers pick up this condition is because of the many adjustments and anxieties of their new parenting position. Also noted was that both parents conditions might directly have emotional impact on the others and trigger depression for the first-time father if the woman has postpartum depression. The reasons postpartum depression affects first-time fathers is mostly speculative at this time even though investigations have been performed as far back as 1980, the origins of the illness in first-time fathers were not researched in depth.
Symptoms
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The signs of illness in first-time fathers are similar to women but there are distinct differences. Usually, women would feel worthlessness, sorrow and anxiety and more often than not, so do first-time fathers, but distinct differences consist of a translation of feelings of sorrow to abandonment, anger and touchiness. Though these signs have been observed, results are still unsettled and more research needs to be done in this area to comprehend it. Postpartum depression in first-time fathers is a terrible disease and more often than not can result in ruining the family relationship with both the youngster and the mother. First-Time Fathers genuinely ought to recognize their disease and not be afraid to try to find treatment alternatives right away.
Identification And Treatment
As discussed previously, first-time fathers tend to be more ignorant of the disease than women who are able to discuss unreservedly of their disease. Because this is the case, it ought to be up to the woman or other family members to identify the signs of the disease and discuss with the man about his disease and make him aware of the disease. Once he acknowledges the disease, he should be open to treatment and should talk with his physician who can point him to the appropriate path for treatment. Treatment for postpartum depression may include psychiatric therapy and drugs or a combination of both. The quicker you try to find treatment, the earlier you can get on your way to a quick recovery and help you on your way to a normal happy life with your family.
Treatment for Depression Symptoms in Men
Though masculinity symbolizes the toughness and the strength in men, yet there are times when depression symptoms in men occur due to certain unfavorable situations. It may be due to domestic or work place problems. In fact, depression is one such feeling that can occur to any gender irrespective of the caste and creed. It involves the physical and the mental conditions of the individual and it occurs mostly due to the complicated interactions that occurs mainly due to the chemical interactions within the mind and body. In fact, depression can ruin the entire life of an individual, if not treated properly.
Through medical research, it has been found that nearly 10 per cent of the people are affected by the symptoms of depression once in their lifetime. The most important thing is that depression cannot be diagnosed through any blood tests or medical examination. It is the symptoms that speak about the disease and helps in the detection process. But sometimes the depression symptoms in men fail to take notice because of the symbol of masculinity that is attached with them. In fact, depression can occur in men in the same way as it affects the women.
It has been found that men tend to suffer from depression from their mid age when he begins to feel alone and separated from the family. While in case of the others, it may be due to the work pressure, when they cannot cope up with the changes in the professional field. Some of the most common depression symptoms in men are hopelessness, constant anxiety, weight loss, feeling blue, loss of appetite, insomnia, complaining about vague issues, and pessimistic behavior in the attitude towards life, loss of sex drive and also poor concentration and low energy levels.
The depression symptoms in men not only affects the mental health but also the physical health too. The patient suffers from frequent bouts of headache; stomach upset digestive problems and also muscle pain in various parts of the body. These mainly occur when the person is in a depressed condition of mind, with the irregular release of chemicals from the brain. It is due to these physical and mental problems, an imbalance occurs within the body and the patient experiences a gradual degradation in health.
In the cases of depression symptoms in men, one or two of the visible signs are prominently visible. But depression can be cured through proper treatment and support from the family members. With a little bit of care and support, the patient can recover quickly from the depression state. Seek help from the counselor, as he will give proper medication that will reduce the flow of chemicals within the body and maintain the balance within. It takes a little bit of time for men in getting relived from the mental illness. If you notice any of symptoms, confess in front of the family members. Try to come out of your cocooned shell and see the broader horizons of life. It is sure that you will be benefited in the long run.
Men And Depression – Macho, Macho Man
More than 6 million men in the United States will experience at least one episode of major depression each year. Yet, because of the idea that depression is a “woman” thing, men don’t always recognize the symptoms and seek treatment.
Suck It Up, Dude!
Men tend to believe that they must hold their feelings inside and not express them. We have to “buck up” and “be a man.” We’re not supposed to express our emotions. We must be “macho.”
What happens to this pent-up emotion? For the most part, it’s going to come out at some point. How? Growing anger, aggressiveness, and substance abuse. Or, we take up risk taking activities and addictive behaviors.
Men also fear the stigma of mental illness. We are afraid of how it may affect our careers. What is my family going to think? What are my friends going to think?
“It starts slowly and the only person you’re talking to is yourself. You’re lost. It’s dark, the pain is twenty-four seven…you just want it to end…I’d drink and…I tried to numb my head…but you have to deal with it. It doesn’t just go away.” – Patrick McCathern First Sergeant, U.S. Air Force, Retired
You Can’t Handle The Truth!
Although men may think these coping strategies are effective, they don’t get rid of the depression. Often, the result is suicide.
The Center for Disease Control reports that men in the United States are about four times more likely to commit suicide than women. Men are likely to:
- use methods that are more deadly (guns)
- act faster on suicidal thoughts
- show fewer warning signs (such as talk of suicide)
Once I was diagnosed with depression, the stigma thing hit me very hard. As I have mentioned before, my self-esteem was already in the toilet. Adding depression to the list of inadequacies compounded the problem. I mean, I really am not much of a man, am I? I’ve been diagnosed with depression.
Those feelings have completely changed. It took a long time, however. We’re talking years. We’re talking serious counseling. Yes, counseling! It led me to make a choice.
I chose to take charge of my life. Notice the word “I.” I chose to stop letting other people be in charge of my life. I choose to make my own choices. I choose to deal with my weaknesses and my strengths.
It’s not easy to do that. But, if you don’t, things build up inside. Ultimately, there will be an “explosion.” Something has to give. That’s how I lost my friend, Chris!
Ladies and gentlemen, stop worrying about what other people think. Stop being afraid to ask for help. You don’t have to be diagnosed with depression to ask for help. As a matter of fact, asking for help will probably keep you from developing depression.
Talk to your spouse. If he or she isn’t willing to listen, go to your spiritual advisor. He or she should be willing to help and point you in the right direction for other assistance.
There is information on the Tools and Resources page which may be of some help. They continue to help me today. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.